You always got me
by SophieU
Summary: When something tragic happens it's important to know who will stand by your side though it all.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

She had a feeling when she woke up that morning one that she could quite describe. She opened her eyes, and everything seemed to be normal starting with the warmth radiating from the person laying right beside her. Ending with there just being nothing unusual. Well of course other than her being awake before him. That was something that almost never happened to be honest she can't recall the last time it happened it must've been months ago. She does like her sleep after all and he just could never get rid of the habit of waking up with the sunrise that had been drilled into him during his army days. It didn't bother them though he liked to watch her sleep or surprise her with breakfast and or just coffee in bed and she enjoyed it too. It showed her how much he really loved her beside the obvious ways he showed her it just made her feel cared for. Never in her life she had had someone that made her feel as loved and cherished as Jay made her feel every day.

She turned to lie on her side so she could look at him properly to take in his relaxed features. She mapped out the freckles on his face and watched how his lip twitched in his sleep.

It still shook her to her core how much she loved this handsome, goofy and kind man and how she was so lucky to have found him. Jay made her life so much better just by being there. Erin knew she could always count on him to catch her when she falls and to help her build herself back up if she fell apart. He was there for the good and the bad times. As corny as it might sound he was her lighthouse in the dark. She knew that she was his too.

A year ago it had all been so unsure. They had taken a break after his ex-wife came back and he had to deal with his PTSD and then she had shoved her gun down that scumbag's throat in the interrogation room and after Bunny had killed her boyfriend. Back when everything seemed to be so broken that it could never be repaired and she was standing on that bridge looking over Chicago contemplating if she should take the job in New York or stay with the risk of never being a Chicago cop ever again. She doesn't understand it now, how she was just going to leave Chicago and everything that came with it to move to a city she only had bad memories of, to safe a mother that would never even appreciate what she sacrificed for her. Erin remembers standing on that bridge deciding to take the job and move to New York so vividly like it's burned into her brain forever. The other thing that it burned into her brain just the same is how she got to the apartment that day to find him sitting on the couch telling her he was done running and hiding. She remembers how his eyes looked so pained when he told her about the things he had done overseas and when he came back home. He told her some of it that night and from there on shared a story here and there after sessions with Dr. Charles or after his support group when he felt up for it.

That fateful night she changed her mind about leaving so quickly that she realized she never really wanted to leave and deep down she had felt it but she thought that there was no a chance for them to solve the issue or at least talk about it. It was the hopelessness she felt that had made her consider leaving in the first place that dissolved instantly when she saw his pained expression. She saw how much it took out of him to talk about the horrors he had seen in the desert and she knew that he need her to love him unconditionally. Even more she needed to show him that that love wouldn't change because of the things he told her because she knows that that was one of the reasons he left in the first place. He had been afraid she wouldn't want him anymore when he would've told her how he accidentally killed a teenaged boy because he didn't know who was an enemy and who was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. She knew because even though she had told him about her parents and how and why she was taken in by Voight early on in their partnership she still had a hard time opening up about her childhood due to that exact reason. She was sure he was going to resent her for the things she had done to get a warm bed and a meal at some point but he never did. So she wasn't going to either because when you love someone you do with all their quirks and edges or you don't love them at all.

Now, she can't imagine to be anywhere else than right beside him every day.

"Good Morning, beautiful." His sleepy voice pulled Erin out of her thoughts. She hadn't even realized that he had woken up until now.

"Hey, you." She said as she leant in for a sleepy good morning kiss.

"You been up long?" Jay asked her glancing at the alarm clock placed on her nightstand it was barely 7 a.m. the time made him frown like she said she was rarely awake before him and especially not at this hour.

"Just a couple of minutes it's nice to watch you sleep you look cute." She told him smiling dimples piercing her cheeks. He blushed at that and she kissed him again. She put her head on his chest and cuddled into his side savoring the moment as it was. They stayed like that for a while before he placed a kiss on her head gaining her attention.

"We got to get ready. We have to be at the district in an hour." Early on in their relationship he tried to get her out of bed earlier but he learned pretty quickly that she didn't like that all that much. They usually made it to work just fine and never needed more than an hour so he let her relax in bed longer. Erin would get up than though begrudgingly. Not today though. Today she didn't make a move to get up but hold on tighter to him. It concerned him.

"Er, what's up?" She could hear the worry in his voice and since they swore each other to be open about their feelings she didn't hesitate to be now.

"I don't know I just have a bad feeling like we shouldn't get out of bed today." She murmured for her place on his chest. He paused for a moment after she confessed that and soon after he forced her head up gently so she would look him in the eyes. "I get those too sometimes but we can't just stay here as much as I would like that. We have to go to work."

"I know but I just don't like it. It just feels like today is bound to be a terrible day." She said looking into his baby blues feeling the urge to say those words. "I love you so much don't ever forget that." He frowned again at that.

"And you know I do too more than I can tell you. I'm sure we're going to be ok." Jay told her empathic. She looked at him once again just hoping he was right before they got up to get ready.

* * *

Three hours later they were sitting in the bullpen catching up on paperwork when Atwater's radio crackled to live. Erin couldn't make out what exactly was going on she was too far away but apparently Jay had heard it and by the way he jumped up from his chair grabbing his phone before darting across the room she knew this wasn't good. She knew this wasn't being professional but she had to know what was wrong so she went after him. She found him in the Locker room pacing while he was talking on his phone.

"No he isn't picking up have you spoken to him today?" There was a slight waver in his voice and he looked worried. "Yeah I will go down there and look what's going on I keep you updated. Bye."

He must not have heard her coming because he almost ran her over when he stormed out of the room. They would have fallen over if it hadn't been for him holding her up. "Erin I'm sorry I didn't see you."

"It's ok. I wanted to check on you after you ran out of the bullpen so quickly what's going on?" She asked him worry lacing her features.

"The emergency on the radio it's my dad's building. It's on fire. I talked to Will to see if he had heard for him today I tried to call him but he didn't pick up. I need to go down there." Erin could see the desperation in his behavior. Even though he and his dad had always had a difficult relationship they were on speaking terms again and she knew he still loved him. Even after all he did.

"You want me to come?" She asked because she didn't want to intrude. "I don't think Voight will appreciate that but I'll let you know when I need you ok?" He told her.

"Be careful ok don't go running into the fire." She knew him and his need of saving and she wasn't about to lose him but she also understood that he had to go it was his father after all. He took his hand a squeezed it and then he was running back to grab the keys before he was gone.

Of course she would've preferred to go with him but she was confident that he would reach out if something had happened because another thing they got so much better in was asking the other one for help and emotional support. They had learned to lean on the other because they knew it wasn't weak to admit needing help. It was what he did back when he came back to the apartment it was what she did when Al took the fall for what she had been part of and what they did when Al was murdered. Today it was what he did when they couldn't find his dad in his apartment.

It was about 40 minutes after he had left the district when her phone rang his name flashing on the screen and she didn't hesitate one second to pick up. "Hey, did you find your Dad?" The momentarily silence one the other end already answered her question without him having to say anything but he still did.

"He wasn't in his apartment. They haven't found him yet." He said and she could hear the people in the background and the sirens blaring probably transporting victims to the hospitals.

"Maybe he wasn't home. Just because they can't find him doesn't mean that he was there in the first place." Erin tried to reassure him but she herself was getting worried because even though she didn't know his father all too well she had met him a couple of times and he had been nice enough to her.

"I know it just that feeling you had this morning now I have it, too." He told her and the sound of his wavering voice was what made her change her mind about waiting for him to come to her.

"I'll be there in ten alright?" She told him and despite it sounding like a question she wasn't going to let him tell her otherwise.

"I'll see you when you get here." He told her and she knew it was his way of letting her know that he needed her there.

She left not even a minute later telling the others she would be joining Jay at the fire.

When she arrived she spotted him directly trying to get people away from the high rise. She could instantly feel the anxiousness radiating of him even from across the street but she could feel what he felt almost all the time anyway. Jay saw her just a moment later and came walking towards her.

"Hey there still looking for him he might be on the top floor. There is a man in a wheel chair and the guy in the foyer said my dad pushes him sometimes." The information spilled out of him so quickly that it was hard for her to understand every word.

"Ok what should we do?" She knew he must've asked how to help so he could distract himself. That's what she would've done.

"Control the people, help coordinate is what Boden asked me to do." Jay motioned to the mass of people still running out of the building. So that's what they did they tried to get the people as far away as possible as calm as possible. Erin still kept a close eye on Jay just to make sure she would be able to be there if he was to get any news about his dad.

A couple of minutes later she heard somebody calling his name and she was right there beside him in the blink of an eye. She could see just how tense her boyfriend was when they got the confirmation that his dad had in fact been with the man on the top floor and that Casey was about to bring him done and his shoulders stayed stiff and his features contoured.  
She saw it again when his dad was loaded into the ambulance with him jumping in right behind the paramedic just to turn to her and look at her shortly.  
"I'll meet you at med in a little bit." Was what she told him before the doors where closed and the truck speed of.

She went back to trying to control the people who were standing around until the largest part had left before she made her way towards med. She could've followed him straight away but she had waited on purpose because after all she wanted to give the Halstead men some space. She knew they were going to perform test and check if Pat was ok. She didn't have to be there for that.

Erin had called Hank on the way over to let him know that they had found Pat and it would probably be a bit before they would be back at the district. She had hoped that Jay and his dad would stay civil when they got to the hospital but as soon as she stepped inside the ED, she could see Jay storming out of what must've been his father's room. She contemplated if she should follow him or if she should wait for Will to leave the exam room so she could ask him what was going on but she didn't feel comfortable to go to Will behind Jays back. She walked towards the direction Jay had just took off to.

It took her a couple of minutes until she had found him sitting on the window cill staring blankly at the floor not even glancing up when she was standing right beside him. She took a seat next to him and placed her hand on his and squeezed gently just letting him know that she was there. Not physical because he felt that long before she sat beside him but emotionally as support system. They both learned how important it was to have a strong, steady and reliable support system on a daily basis. Someone who was just there to tell you it's going to be ok or that it's going to hurt less at some point or just to say I got you. Especially in their line of work it was tremendously important to have somebody like that by your side because some things they saw would never leave them in fact it would make them loose sleep or appetite. It could even make them loose they're sanity or at least it might feel like that to them.

"I don't know why I still expect that one day we will have one conversation without him making some disregarding comment about me or my life. He has never had anything left for me so why should that ever change?" Jay spoke slowly and quietly and she could feel his pain. She knew exactly how he was feeling because she had asked herself the same question time and time again with her own mother. Every time she had saved Bunny's ass and she never got a thank you or an apology for that matter.

"Because he is your dad and he is should be proud of you for following your own way to get to the place you want to be and not disappointed in you for not being someone else or doing something else. Because even though he has failed you so many times you still love him, and you like to believe people can change." She paused for a moment and made sure he was looking at her when she spoke the next words. "You and your incredible big heart want your father to be proud of you or at least tell you that he loves you even though he hoped you would be somewhere else in your life then you're right now. The thing is you and your dad you're both stubborn so I think even if he doesn't say it out loud deep down you know he does and he knows you do, too." With that she placed her other hand over his heart feeling it beat rapidly. "You have to look deep in to your beautiful heart and go back into that room to be there because you want to." Erin finished her little speech and they sat there for a moment just looking into each other's eyes. She could see the struggle that was going on inside of him because he knew she was right and he had to fight his stubbornness to overlook all the bad things his dad said about him to go back in there.

"You've gotten quite wise did I miss something?" He teased her. Mocking a look of hurt she hit his arm but then she smiled before her face grew serious again.

"I love you." He smiled at her words. He would never get tired of hearing them and she wouldn't either. He leaned in to kiss her slowly and sweetly. "I can come in there with you or I will wait out here whatever you want but you should get back in there."

"I think I'll go in alone just for a bit I'll shoot you a text when I want you to come in ok?" He didn't sound convinced at all and it was like he was asking his self not her but she nodded anyway. "I'll be here whenever you need me." She did phrase it like that on purpose to keep reminding that she was there.

A moment later she watched him walk toward the ED disappearing around the corner. Erin hoped Jay could have a normal conversation with his dad or at least one that wouldn't end with him storming out of the room. She knew that it was hard to have a parent that acted like they didn't care about you but as crappy of a mother Bunny had been she had rarely told Erin that she was useless or questioned her being a cop. Bunny had been the type to just completely forget that she had kids sometime just to remember them and pay them attention until the next fix had arrived. She didn't know what was worse though not that it mattered. One thing was for sure neither her mother nor his father had been what a parent was supposed to be like and they probably would never be and when she thought about their future she just hoped that they would not make the same mistakes. She had been thinking about the future a lot more often in the last couple of months and she had to think back to the time he had talked about their future twenty years from now and she just wanted it to be with him. It was only a couple of minutes later that she got a text but not from Jay it was from Natalie telling her to come to the ED as fast as she could. It left her uneasy. Only a moment later she was in front of his Dad's Hospital Room and she knew when she saw the machines that this wasn't going to end well.

Erin slid the glass door open and took a step into the room it broke her heart seeing Jay sitting there hunched over holding onto his father's hand. She could hear him sniffling it made her take the last couple of steps, so she was standing right behind him and she could place her hands on his shoulders rubbing slightly up and down. Jay didn't turn around, but it didn't matter they just stayed like that for the longest time. In fact, they stayed like that until Erin couldn't take the sound of his cries anymore and let go of his shoulders to make her way in front of him squatting down taking his free hand in hers bringing it up to her mouth to place a gentle kiss on it. After a minute he lifted his gaze from his fathers form to look at her with red and puffy eyes. She had the urge to cry with him seeing the sorrow all over his face, but she had to keep it together to help him right now. They didn't need words she knew that his father wouldn't make it. She placed her hand on his cheek trying everything to comfort her love.

"Baby." She didn't even know what to say that word was the only thing on her mind right now and she hoped he would understand what she was trying to tell him.

He did because just after that he pulled her against him sobbing with his head tucked in the crock of her neck. She didn't care if the was the most uncomfortable position or that her back was hurting already, she would hold him like that forever if that was what he needed. She could life with having a sore back, but she wouldn't be able to live with not giving him the comfort he needed not anymore. He was everything to her and she was so happy that he let himself be vulnerable in front of her. It had taken him quite a while to do that to let her see him cry but they became stronger for it. She started stroking his hair whispering that she got him.

They heard the door open but neither of them looked to see who it was because it wasn't important. They did however open their eyes when Will spoke.

"Jay, we need to turn the machines off today." Their eyes didn't just open they snapped open so fast it had them blinking because of the sudden brightness that surrounded them. Jay's head snapped up as he starred at his brother wide eyed. Erin could feel his pulse quicken.

"Are you serious? No way no I want a second opinion and how can you just give up an him? He is our father!" Jay fumed getting up making her come back into standing position. Erin can see he is seconds from boiling over so she reaches out for his hand.

"Jay listen to me dad…he…his brain is not responding anymore, and the hospital only offered us to keep him hooked up to the machines longer because if we wait until tomorrow it won't be their fault. Exactly thirty days ago he had surgery here and that means that if we wait until tomorrow, they're off the hook." Will had to gather himself before continuing. "Jay do you think I like anything of this? This is our dad." She had to hold Jay back, or he would've charged at his brother right then. Erin hugged him from behind placing one of her hands over his racing heart effectively calming him down. Well at least slightly.

"Get out!" Jay said trough gritted teeth.

Will stared at him in disbelieve. "Jay I'm serious Dad he is… not coming back. We have to let him go." She could feel Jay pulling away from her trying to get out of her grip, but she held on to him as if her life depended on it. She knew that when he would regret it if he hurt Will right now. Sensing the atmosphere getting worse she spoke before either one of the brothers could.

"Will would you leave us alone for a little while?" Erin looked him straight in the eyes pleading. Will stayed in the room for another moment looking at his father's lifeless body before he turned around leaving the couple alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, sorry for the wait! I actually had this written along time ago but on paper and I couldn't seem to get myself to type it up. Buuut here we go and I'm planning on at least one more.**

 **I don't own any rights.**

* * *

Chapter2

"I can't fucking believe this he is just giving up." Jay's anger quickly turned to sadness. "And Dad always thought I didn't love him. Turns out his actual SON is the one who didn't." Of course, she didn't miss that he just implied that he wasn't his father's son, but she also knew that it had been how Patrick had always treated him.

"Baby, look at me." When he didn't follow her request and kept staring at his father, she took his chin in her hand to guide his head up so that he had to look at her. This was something both had done countless of times before. "I want you to listen to me, okay? I know that you love your dad even though he might not deserve it and I know Will loves him, too and you know it." She made a short pause contemplating how to say the next words without him misunderstanding her. "This is your and Will's decision and I don't have anything to say about it, but I think you should listen to what your head tells you. I think will find that your brother is making a good point here. Before you snap at me, I also know that watching your parents die is soul crushing, but you should also what your dad would have wanted." She had watched his facial expression go from ager to betrayal and in the end, there was only hurt left.

Jay sank back down in his seat looking back at his das taking in all the machines once more. Erin didn't say anything else and neither did Jay and after what seemed like hours the door opened again, and Will stepped into the room. Erin wanted to give them some time alone to talk so she bends down to kiss the top of her boyfriend's head whispering that she would get them some coffee. She made her way towards the door giving Will a squeeze to the shoulder before she left to go to the cafeteria.

It took her about twenty minutes to get coffee and get back to the room her partners father was in. Erin could see both brothers on either side of their father each holding one of the old man's hand in his. She opened the door slowly making her way over to jay holding the cup with the steaming hot liquid in front of him. Out of the corner of her eyes she could Will jump he must've not heard her come in. Jay probably hadn't heard her either but he didn't need to, to know that she was there.

Hay began to open his mouth but closed it again, not saying anything. He didn't have to say it because she had known what his decision would be before leaving the room earlier so she just nodded her head signalizing that she knew. Erin sat down of the arm of the chair her partner sat in and brought a hand to his back stroking from left to right. The two of them stayed like that that while Conner came into the room and Will gave him the permission to turn the machines off that were keeping Patrick alive. While they watched their father taking his last breath, she felt Jay's shoulder beginning to shake. They stayed like this for a long time until Jay suddenly got up to walk around the bed to his brother pulling him into a hug as they both cried for their loss. It was in that moment that Erin realized that she herself had tears running down her cheeks not that it surprised her, she had never been able to see Jay crying.

She wasn't surprised when he insisted on going back to work to help figure out who had done this. He might not have liked to admit it but sometimes he was just like Hank who had done the same after Justin was attacked. During the next few hours she could see the fight in his eyes coming back and somehow she knew that this terrible day, just like Erin had predicted it to be wasn't over yet. It was the reason she offered Hank to stay at the district with Jay while the others went to apprehend the suspect, but Hank has just said that he had a plan that wouldn't let Jay come anywhere near the man who was responsible for the fire that had took his father's life.

Little did he know.

It was about an hour after Hank had left him standing at the parking lot across town when Erin heard his voice over the radio. Her heart jumped out of her chest but not in a good way. His weak request for an ambulance left her panicked and she was sure she had never run faster in her life. In fact, she ran even faster when she came closer and saw him lying on the pavement. Adam and Hailey were right behind her and she knew that they would go over to the suspect not that she really cared her only concern was her partner.

She dove down beside him pulling open his shirt and vest. While all she could see was blood as she kept on telling herself over and over that it would be okay, that he wasn't going to bleed out here. Relief flooded her whole body and soul a second later when she saw that the one bullet his vest had not stopped just grazed his side. Once the initial shock wore of, she felt the urge to strangle him and scream taking over. She wanted to tell him how stupid this stunt had been, how he almost got himself killed. She wanted to ask him why he thinks that he can be reckless. She wanted to shake him to make him see how much losing him would hurt them and especially how it would just destroy her. Though it turned out she didn't have to since Voight did it for her. Later when she took him to the hospital after he insisted that he didn't have to take the ambulance there, Will did the same Hank had done and Erin had wanted too.

After Will had left but not before asking his brother if he wanted to leave him without a family so desperately, she decided that she would have to try a different approach to this because she could see him drowning his brother out.

"Promise me something?" She asked and she could see on his face that he knew where she was going with this. "Never go in without backup EVER again!" Jay looked at her than and nodded his head muttering a "Yeah."

All Erin could do was pray that he would keep his promise but she had to have faith in him because it had been him who had first asked her to make it three years ago. After everything had gone down with Yates she had sure been hell bend to keep it but just like when she had killed that animal to get justice and personal revenge for Nadia he had gone rouge today to get the same for his Dad. Erin knew she couldn't punish him for that.

Two days later when he came home from emptying their father's apartment Erin immediately felt that something had shifted inside of him. She hadn't accompanied him to help because she knew that it was something the brothers had to do alone but she had made sure to let him know that she would be there if he needed and wanted her to be. That night he just sank down on the couch staring straight ahead so she sat beside him placing her hand on his thigh. It felt like they had been there forever before he spoke those words.

"He was there." It left her confused and she wanted to ask him what he was talking about but she waited. A moment later Jay pulled out a picture and she instantly got the answer to the question she didn't ask out loud. His dad had come to his graduation from the academy. He had been there and even went as far as taking a picture of the moment his son was handed his badge while shaking the commander's hand. The picture showed him in his blues wearing a beaming smile.

She knew what this meant to him since his father had always made him feel like he wasn't good enough, that being a cop wasn't good enough. The fact that his dad had been there when he officially became one, took a picture, printed it and held on to it showed that he had been proud of his son. It made Jay feel better and even worse at the same time because he would forever feel guilty about his last conversation with his father where he had called him ungrateful and that he had never been able to apologize. Even though this moment would never leave him he finally felt a weight falling of his shoulders because after so many years of resenting his father for how he talked to him and how he made him feel he knew that deep down it hadn't been the truth. His father although he had never been able to tell him and choose to keep him as a punching bag had still been proud of him.

Erin knew that there wasn't much to say but she didn't feel like words would be enough anyway. She took him in her arms instead and cradled his head against her chest as he cried tears of relief. Hours later when the tears had subsided and they had made their way to bed she did think of something she could say that would hopefully make him feel a little better. She made sure that he looked her in the eyes when she said it.

"You always got me."

In that moment he knew that he had to let go of his remaining anger towards his father eventually it didn't matter anymore because the only thing that really mattered was that she would be by his side to guide him trough what was to come. Just like he would do for her.


End file.
